They're things I don't want to share with the closest people to me.
They're things I hold on in silence because I can't yet quite work out what I want.
They're times I am very quiet and don't have a lot to say when my mind Is full of racing thoughts.
They're times I seat with me and claim myself back!
Yesterday I was outside seating on the retaining wall, with plants, dirt, bees, and a mini pond surrounding me. All the elements I needed at that time. To then again seating with me and processing this life of mine, all of what I have achieved. How bad my last flare ( which is slowly reducing) has put me through. A bit of a fearful time, And at the same time people around me having no clue how to react to it, Because I can't speak, because I feel fearful to not be lovable when I am in such state. Because my self esteem gets a hit because I have been living independently for such a long time, I have been both nuturer mother, and provider dad at the same time. I have kept friendships alive, I rolled parties at home, I got my health back on track, my self defence on point. And all of this was taken from me because there is a time in life when you have to learn to accept help, and start asking for help without feeling like a burden to others. Because there are times you need to be reminded humans supposed to love like in a hive mindset. And I forgot!
And then it clicked :
I can do it all... But to mine and my kids detriment,
I can do it all to mine and my loved ones around me,
I can do it all but it isn't healthy.
I can do it all and endure it all from others fears but do I have to!?
I can do it all but am I doing it for me or others?!
I am about to go on a journey of accepting many things, and finding different ways to get that life for myself going.
More communication with the one I love,
Less fear of showing my weakness to the world,
Not accepting other people negative judgment towards my life and my kids life.
Less bee work, more worker bees!
And an amazing journey ahead of me.
It's about me this time, And accepting changes.
It's getting clearer everyday!
Never judge harshly someone in front of you, judging is the trigger of Ego.
EGO is the destroying tool of this world!
Someone told me one day, it's not earth we need to save, earth will survive without is on it... But it's ourselves we need to stop destroying!
More love, more compassion. Less judgment!
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